Dogs = Germs

Dear slug,

You seem to know some obscure childhood songs, like that Mister Fly thing you posted a while back. I remember one from when I was a kid about an invisible dog. Can you help me find the lyrics to that one?

~Clueless in Colo.

Dear Clueless & Co.,

While it isn't much to go on, I believe I know the song you mean: Germs, the invisible dog by Dottie Rambo.  Unlike the Mr. Fly song, which I believe is timeless, I'm afraid Germs lives better in memory than reality.  You can check out the lyrics here, but I have to say that I don't recall the verse about church. Perhaps it's just because slugs don't have such things.

Slughugs,

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Bellyfeet Don't Squeak

Dear slug,

My shoes squeak when I walk. I hate it. How can I make it stop?

~Perplexed in Annapolis

Dear Perlexpolis,

Being a member of a historically unshod species, I'm flattered - and a little perplexed myself - that you asked me this. I can't answer from personal experience, but I talked to an ant who knew a butterfly who was chased by a dog who knew a human who once said that baby powder or petroleum oil could be used. Both sound a little messy to me, and both require first figuring out exactly which part of the shoe is squeaking so the substance can be applied. This assumes that the squeak comes from two materials rubbing together. If the squeak of the sole against the floor is the problem, you can try powdering the bottom of the shoe - just becareful when walking on slick floors.

You can try these methods, but I make no guarantees. If you try my own special home remedy, however, I am sure you will have success:

Go barefoot.

Slughugs,

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Film Buff

Do slugs like to watch movies? What ones?

~fangrrrrl17600

Dear 17.6k,

Movie watching preferences vary from slug to slug based on personal tastes and proximity to widescreen-adjacent windows or drive-in movie theatres. I prefer movies with discerning enough grammar to ask "Which ones?" rather than "What ones?" but will admit to the occasional indulgence in a scary movie such as Speed or 2 Fast 2 Furious.  All that rushing around...it's absolutely chilling.

Slughugs,

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Lb for Pound

Dear Slug,

Why is the abbreviation for "pound," "lb"? Don't abbreviators (abbreviatrixes?) know how to spell?

~Cornfused in Iowa

Dear Corn-IA,

Of course abbreviators don't know how to spell. If they did, they would write the whole word. You have come up with the perfect example of that. The abbreviation "lb" (plural: lbs) comes from the Latin phrase "libra pondo," roughly translated to "balance of weight" (libra is the balance part of the phrase). Now, you'd think that the lazy abbreviator would choose "lp" as the logical shorthand,  but apparently the person in charge of the Office of Abbreviations that day did not want the load he was toting to be confused with his "Best of Styx" vinyl collection, so off with the LP.  

The next logical choice would have been "li" if we were to begin with the beginning and stop just short of there, but thanks to the complete lack of spelling ability, we are stuck with "lb" to baffle children and adults across the English-speaking world.  

It's a good thing I speak sluggish. We abbreviate pounds based on the subject being measured. For example, 38 pounds of fallen apples is abbreviated (in approximate English spelling) as 38yum. If that number were, instead of pounds, 38 tons (or tonnes for our Canadian and UK friends) that would be written as 38YUM. Two thousand pounds of approaching car, however, would be 2000ack! See how simple that is?

Thanks for asking a slug.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

In Opposition

Dear slug,

Why don't most animals have thumbs?

XOXOX
Mindy

Dear X-Min,

I understand that you humans are very proud of your opposable thumbs, and indeed I see how they would be quite useful (especially for opening beer bottles or typing), but I don't think you will like the answer to your question. 

You see, although humans believe that their capacity to build and wield tools with their opposable thumbs makes them superior to other animals, they were in fact designed with such appendages in order that they might serve the rest of the animal kingdom better. You were given the intellect you so praise in order to allow you to rationalize your status and create the fantasy of being at the top of the hierarchy, when truly you are slaves to all our needs. 

There is some dissent in the animal kingdom, however, with regards to your care and treatment. While many of the so-called domesticated animals feel they have plenty of control over your actions, it is actually the rats and cockroaches who are in charge, and many feel they have gone too far toward using humans to create a world that is much to their liking, rather than one hospitable to all of us. Still, things aren't bad for us gastropods, so as long as you keep your fancy new snow tires away from me, I'm grateful for your services. After all, your thumbs were required to build computers.

Thank you.

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

The Philosophy of Snow

Dear Slug...

Recently we acquired a LOT of snow in the Pacific Northwest and it got me thinking... How do Slugs get around in a foot of cold white stuff anyway?

~Top Dog

Dear Tog,

That's simple. What should always be done when something is not to one's liking, be it weather, politics, or anything else on this good and verdant Earth?

The Buddhists have a saying meant to bring a person back into balance whether the current events are good or bad: This, too, shall pass.

We slugs (not, by the way, Slugs) believe that saying, but we've added a little of our own: This, too, shall pass; until it does, take a nap.

The philosophy has served me well all of the years of my life. I highly recommend it. In winter, I recommend that the nap be taken underground, deep enough down that the cold cannot reach.

I have to be hones, though; even with all the napping, I'm starting to get awfully hungry.

Slughugs,

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Lost

Dear slug,

How come I lose things that I need, like my keys, my socks, and my cell phone, but I never seem to lose the things I don't care about, like that horrible sweater my aunt Julie gave me or my nagging self-doubts?

~Lost but not Found

Dear Unfounded,

Your keys are in the refrigerator.

Your socks are under the dryer.

Your cell phone is in the Bermuda Triangle.

As for the horrible sweater, wear it on a really hot day when you'll be terribly busy running errands.  Chances are you'll take it off and leave it somewhere, like a bus seat or a public restroom. It might even be an accident.

If the self-doubt keeps nagging, text it to your cell phone.  That thing is never coming back.

Slughugs,

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Season of sharing, stalkers and slugs

It's still unseasonably snowy in my measure of mulch, so I'll be cutting down my posts from now until the end of the year to just two or three per week. It's hard to type with frozen tentacles.

Please do keep those questions coming, however. I love to read them and share my slightly mucousy perspective with the world. Let's take this one, for example...

Dear Slug,

Do you believe in Santa Clause? Or is there a Santa Slug? I know you said you only have that one holiday with the funny spelling, but you can believe in Santa, right? Or not. But you can at least give other people presents, right? And in case you want to, I've included my address but please don't post it okay?

From Molly.

Dear Miss Mall,

Slugs don't do much shopping, and I prefer to give the gift of knowledge. So know this: there is no such thing as Santa Slug, though if your parents are not good boys and girls and let the fireplace get damp and clotted with mildew and ash, there may be a slug slithering down your chimney come Christmas eve.

Frankly, I don't see what all the hubbub is about. All the stories and spending and who gives what to whom...why not just share what's there for all to have? I don't send my friends packages full of moss or fine green leaves because I know they already have plenty. If they didn't, I'd invite them over for a good munch in my patch of the world. There is more than enough here to spare.

I know you humans are different, and you can't get by on lettuce alone, but instead of obsessing over the "what is someone going to give me?" side of things, take a look at what you have and figure out a way to share. Invite a friend over for a talk and a meal. Pass along unused clothing or canned food to a charity. You don't need some stalker in a red suit to sneak in during the dead of night--that whole "sees you when you're sleeping/knows when your awake" thing has always given me the shivers--just take a look around and see what you can do with what you have. At the very least, set out a shallow tin of beer for your neigborhood slugs. Please?

Remember, I said shallow.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

From Genocide to Generosity

I have slugs in my Christmas Tree. We cut it at a tree farm near our home in Oregon. I keep finding trails on my carpet and have found several small slugs. Other than taking the tree down (which is fully decorated) is there an option to kill them?

~Oregon

Dear State of Misery,

Seriously? You're asking me to recommend how best to wage genocide against my own people? Exactly how much eggnog have you had to drink?

Although we do not celebrate Christmas, just think of your slugs as extra ornaments for the tree. In fact, I suggest you go all out and incorporate them fully into your holiday decor.

Once you've sobered up from the nog, simply put a ring of copper around the tree. You can either pile up the pennies or get copper strips or tubing from your local hardware store. We slugs don't like to slither across copper (though a few brave souls manage to do it on a dare--slugs cannot resist a dare from other slugs) so this will protect your Christmas slugs from getting stepped on and keep you from needing to add slime trails to the rest of your carpet to keep up with the fashionably glistening new look...though it does pick up the dazzle of Christmas lights quite nicely.

Then, in the spirit of the holiday, while you're putting out the milk and cookies for Santa, set out a nice bowl of water and some fresh (or semi-fresh) veggies for the slugs. They'll appreciate it and your holiday karma points will be adding up on the "nice" side of the naughty/nice scale. Plus, it puts things in perspective for your New Year's resolutions: sure, a fat guy on a sleigh can gobble down the milk and cookies, but if you don't have eight not-so-tiny reindeer to drag you around, best to stick with the water and leafy greens. You'll be in good company.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Askaslug: Now With Simplicity

I hear cries out in the blogosphere that the anti-spam device on my contact form may not be working properly. Since my humble blog does not yet generate that much traffic, I have removed the faulty device from the form. Go ahead, ask a slug a question. You may or may not like the answer.

Greco-Roman

Dear nameless slug,

I have a non-slug question for you, and please don't let your answer contain any references to cabbages or beer, because I really don't like either one. The question is this: is Mercury a greek god or a Roman one? My friend and I have a bet going, and it's for something much better than beer.

~greek godless

Dear Grodless,

The answer is simple, so I'll give it back to you in questions. But first, look at it this way: we seem to revere the Greek gods in literature, but our calendar? Roman (with minor modifications). Our language (well, your language)? More Latin-based than Greek, though both carry an influence. This brings us to the naming of things...things such as planets.

Jupiter? Roman (his Greek counterpart is Zeus). Venus? Yes indeed, a Roman goddess (Aphrodite's equivalent, more or less). Now let me see, wasn't there a Greek god called Hermes? Messenger type with winged sandals, if I recall correctly. Who could his counterpart have been?

I hope this means you've won your bet. If not, at least you won't cry in your beer.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Ups and Downs

Yo, slug.

What's up?

~No One You Know

Dear No-Know,

I am tempted to say, "The opposite of down," but I'm not in the mood for cliches and have always detested the practice of defining a term by what it is not. That's like saying that a slug is "The antithesis of a whale." Not particularly helpful. So let me say this:

Up: A condition of being at actual or perceived height above other subjects or objects; frequently rumored to be followed by a sometimes fast and painful down.

And now I have the song "Mr. Fly climbed up a tree" in my head. Pardon me if I stop blogging to go sing. Yes, I do know every verse by heart.

Help for Mere Mortals

Hi Slug,

You seem so centered all of the time and at peace with yourself and the ways of the world that I thought perhaps you can help me with a quandry I find myself trying to cope with.
I work in Crazyland. It is 27.8 miles North of Normaland and less then 1 miles from Canadian borders.

In crazyland there is the Evil Witch who must be bowed to as the 'Boss-who-is-too-benevolent'(but in reality can't string 5 words together to make a complete sentence that makes any sense).

How do you suggest I cope with the 8 hour days of drudgery I have to call my job working under the Evil Witch 40 hours a week and knowing all the while that she can swing the ax and, as the Queen in 'Alice in Wonderland' used to scream "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"?

Currently the lack of sleeping and more recently eating nothing, is not conducive to improving my morale.

Lost in Hell with no Exit sign in Site!

(PS, I'm sorry for any gramatical errors and/or typo's, I understand you are very sensitive to the written word and please understand that this does not have spell check and I am merely mortal)


~Demoralized in Crazyland

Oh, my dear Demortalized,

In deference to your dire straits I will forgo the literary criticism except to remind you that the word "then" refers to time and order (see the Es in those terms--no As--so "then" gets the E) while "than" refers to comparisons (see, A--no E--so "than"). But enough with the grammar lesson and on to the life lessons.

My friend, you have very clearly stated the crux of your problem. It is not the wicked witch; it is the lack of eating and sleeping. First, get yourself a nice fat cabbage or five, preferably overripe, and a tall mug of beer. Consuming those will make you feel better, and if the mug is tall enough, might help you sleep. Feel free to refill if necessary. While you are sleeping, the beer and cabbage will be doing their work inside you. By the next time you get to Crazyland, you will be effortlessly surrounding yourself with a cloud of aromatic gasses guaranteed to make the witch's eyes water and convince her that perhaps leaving the vicinity is in her best interest. The human digestive system is a wondrous thing.

While she is gone, nap at your desk.

Your coworkers may be displeased with this plan, but remind them that it is for the greater good of all.

Your other option is to hop a Christmas tree to Hawaii.

Best of luck,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Dear slug,

You said you were a European Black Slug. Does the term "Black Friday" offend you?

~Ellen P.

Dear Ep,

I can't be offended every time someone uses the term "black" in a questionable manner, but frankly, I find the term baffling. Ignoring for the moment any racist connotations there may be, aren't days designated as black supposed to refer to times when stockbrokers jump out of windows? I kept an eyestalk out for falling brokers all day, but saw nary a one. Apparently this day has to do with spending money, not simply losing it, so perhaps the stockbrokers were too busy carrying their shiny new packages home to bother finding high windows to jump out of. This whole "Cyber Monday" thing I can deal with, though. Maybe with so many people online today I'll get a few intriguing questions.

A thought for you in this season of unfettered spending: if a) money doesn't generally buy happiness, and b) money doesn't generally buy slugs, then c) slugs must be happiness. Of course, "slug" is an outdated term for a coin, so there may be a deeper relationship there that will mix things up a bit. Still, I hold to my point: slug = happiness, with or without money. Happy Monday.

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

How 'Bout Them Broncos?

Dear Slug,

Do you like the Denver Broncos?

~Cheering for the Orange and Blue

Dear CheeriO,

I take it you read my post on baby slugs. In my Denver days, I'm afraid I was far more interested in broccoli than ballgames, but I do have to wonder at the average Bronco fan's faithfulness to a team that routinely fails to make it past the almost stage of success. Please don't squish me if I take the liberty to say that Bronco fans are crazy. Loyal, but crazy. Still, I'll help you celebrate any victories (or failures) the team may earn this season if you offer me just a little taste of your Coors.

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

The Cat on Your Computer May Not Be a Cat

Dear slug,

Why is the Internet full of cats that can't spell?

~UnLOLable

Dear U,

The Internet is actually a series of connections that carry electronic communications around the world (and above it, in a few places). I am fairly certain that the Internet servers and wireless networks would not be operational if they were, in fact, full of cats, regardless of the felines' spelling abilities.

As to the LOLcat phenomenon to which I believe you are referring, keep in mind that investigative reporting has uncovered that it is actually a large and ever-changing group of humans typing for the cats. The cats I know are pretty pissed off about the whole thing and will yowl for hours about improperly places Zs. I, on the other eyestalk (I don't have an "other hand"), would like to point out that the entertainment value of such a website is actually fairly high because it allows both passive and interactive features, and there are times when it truly captures the essence of our wide and wild world.

In order to protect yourself from unwanted LOLcat exposure, I suggest that you stick to websites and search terms that avoid the word "cheezburger."

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Recipe for Success

Dear slug,

I don't really have a good question to ask, but I figured I'd toss a couple of dumb ones your way just to...you know...keep you busy or something.

So:

a. How do I make a million dollars without having to work really hard?

b. Where do you get your answers?

~ Bored in Boston

Dear Bordston,

Thank you for being so concerned about my idle time. It's nice to know there are such caring folks out there.

a. Here is the recipe for a million dollars. Gather the following ingredients together and make sure to adhere to the recipe precisely.

In a large pot, stir together:
1/2 cup good intentions (must be fresh)
3/4 cup laziness (can substitute procrastination)
4 large gold teeth (need not be human; in fact, triceratops teeth work best)
16 drops rubbing alcohol (for purity)
A dash of nutmeg (optional)

Once those are stirred together, add precisely 5 milligrams of the secret ingredient.

I can't tell you what the secret ingredient is, but if you prepare the rest of the mixture from time to time and add 5 milligrams of anything that strikes your fancy, perhaps one day you will hit upon the correct combination and become rich. Of course, you'll get rich a lot faster by selling those triceratops teeth.

b. They're hidden under a rock in my favorite yard.

Best of luck with your concoctions.

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Addicted

Hey sluggo,

You say most slugs don't speak human languages, so how did you learn to type in one? I mean, I know a lot of people say they learn from watching TV, but that wouldn't teach you to type or spell or be snotty about grammar like you are, so what gives?

~Curiouser Than Alice

Dear Alice the Cat,

Once upon a time when I was a young slug, I fell asleep under a rock outside a window. On the other side of the pane sat a small child with a CD player, and in that player was a "Hooked on Phonics" CD. The track was stuck on repeat. I awoke from my nap with a craving for diphthongs and have been feeding my addiction ever since by slithering into libraries late at night and browsing the stacks and the Internet stations until the tip of my tail goes dry.

Yes folks, that is correct: Hooked on Phonics worked for me. It drove me to seek real knowledge that did not come from irritating voices that threatened to scrape the slime from my skin. Once I knew the words, typing was simple. Just very...very...slow.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Bad Medicine

What, pray tell, is slshhlshlhsshl day?

~June Bug

Dear June,

Perhaps you were still in the grub stage during my earlier post about slshhlshlhsshl day, so I will forgive your ignorance. Slshhlshlhsshl day (closest approximated English spelling, as slugs to not normally communicate in human languages) is a holiday for slugs--in fact our only true holiday, as we generally don't pay much attention to the calendar so we tend to just hold this one multiple times per year. During the day, each slug dresses up as a different kind of slug. The beer and pennies are optional.

Now that you're a fully fledged bugling, I caution you to be more aware in your affairs and always read the warning labels. If not, you may acquire a warning label of your own, as June bug medicine may heal humans, but I doubt it does so well for the bugs.

Slughugs,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

Atmospheric

Dear nameless slug,

Why is the sky blue?

~Azure

Dearzure,

Kindly inform me what planet you are on so I can give you a better answer. As far as I can tell, the sky is grey, and always has been.

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest