Aliens in Atlanta

So if you have eyestalks, does that mean you're an alien life form? Because in my experience, Slug-with-no-name, creatures with eyestalks end up being aliens.

So what planet did you first arrive from and do you know where they hid the mothership?

~ Wondering in Atlanta

Dear Wonderthing,

The idea that aliens bear eyestalks is actually a mistaken perception that has been popularized by many science fiction authors who maintained secret infatuations with slugs, snails, and mollusks of many kinds. Most of those aliens were actually thought to originate from the planet Venus, which we now are reasonably certain is sorely eyestalk-deficient.

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no mothership. I also have no laser blasters, time machines, or alien diseases mysteriously compatible with human DNA and able to wipe out the entire human race unless they are saved by a) a precocious and sickeningly adorable child, b) Mel Gibson before he became scary, or c) any of the latest batch of action heroes who are desperately trying to become the previous batch of action heroes without the long hours of training.

It should be noted that I do, however, have an infatuation with science fiction writers and am honored that they chose my kind's humble eyestalks as a model for their alien characters.

But now you have me wondering, too. Exactly how many eyestalk-flaunting aliens have you personally encountered in this "experience" of which you speak? And where is their mothership? And if I get on it, will it take me to a planet that is rich in loam and vegetation but lacking in the department of bodily squishing?

~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

ETA--Note to the good folk of Google: "eyestalk" is a perfectly valid word. Please add it to your spellcheck dictionary at your earliest convenience. Slughugs from your number one slime-sliding fan.