Help for Mere Mortals

Hi Slug,

You seem so centered all of the time and at peace with yourself and the ways of the world that I thought perhaps you can help me with a quandry I find myself trying to cope with.
I work in Crazyland. It is 27.8 miles North of Normaland and less then 1 miles from Canadian borders.

In crazyland there is the Evil Witch who must be bowed to as the 'Boss-who-is-too-benevolent'(but in reality can't string 5 words together to make a complete sentence that makes any sense).

How do you suggest I cope with the 8 hour days of drudgery I have to call my job working under the Evil Witch 40 hours a week and knowing all the while that she can swing the ax and, as the Queen in 'Alice in Wonderland' used to scream "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"?

Currently the lack of sleeping and more recently eating nothing, is not conducive to improving my morale.

Lost in Hell with no Exit sign in Site!

(PS, I'm sorry for any gramatical errors and/or typo's, I understand you are very sensitive to the written word and please understand that this does not have spell check and I am merely mortal)


~Demoralized in Crazyland

Oh, my dear Demortalized,

In deference to your dire straits I will forgo the literary criticism except to remind you that the word "then" refers to time and order (see the Es in those terms--no As--so "then" gets the E) while "than" refers to comparisons (see, A--no E--so "than"). But enough with the grammar lesson and on to the life lessons.

My friend, you have very clearly stated the crux of your problem. It is not the wicked witch; it is the lack of eating and sleeping. First, get yourself a nice fat cabbage or five, preferably overripe, and a tall mug of beer. Consuming those will make you feel better, and if the mug is tall enough, might help you sleep. Feel free to refill if necessary. While you are sleeping, the beer and cabbage will be doing their work inside you. By the next time you get to Crazyland, you will be effortlessly surrounding yourself with a cloud of aromatic gasses guaranteed to make the witch's eyes water and convince her that perhaps leaving the vicinity is in her best interest. The human digestive system is a wondrous thing.

While she is gone, nap at your desk.

Your coworkers may be displeased with this plan, but remind them that it is for the greater good of all.

Your other option is to hop a Christmas tree to Hawaii.

Best of luck,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest