Gastropod the Great: President in '08

Dear nameless slug,

You said you'll answer non-slug questions, so mine is this: how should we know who to vote for in an election, particularly the American presidential election? The candidates all seem to say one thing one day and something else the next. Frankly, my 4-year-old can make a better speech, and he only started talking a couple of years ago. Any advice?

~Tearing my Hair Out in Oregon

Dear Baldy,


As a slug, I normally steer clear of politics*, but my sympathies go out to you, so I offer this advice:

First, you should probably either shave your head or wear a swim cap. It will keep you from tearing any more of your hair out, a state which you might still find yourself in after the upcoming election no matter which human hiney sits in the oval office. Not that I'm opposed to the bald look, but it just isn't the same without the tentacles.

Second, remember that it's not a question of who you like the most, it's a question of "Dear Great Gastropod, don't put him (or her) in charge!" Figure out which candidate makes your stomach churn the most, then vote for someone else.

Unfortunately, you cannot vote for your 4-year-old, as he does not meet the minimum qualifications for presidential office. You might be able to elect him as mayor, however.

Slughugs in '08,
~A nameless slug in the Pacific Northwest

*Please note that avoiding politics is not "unamerican" behavior for a slug. I spend my days in a mail-in ballot only state and have no address for them to send voting materials. If you leave yours lying on the ground, however, I will do my best to vote for you. Please sign the required signature first. I'm pretty sure I can seal the envelope myself.